A Moment of Self-Enlightening
{Scene: Cathryn and MOI sit in a crowded Chipotle restaurant, eating our respective meals. NOTE TO READERS: This conversation never actually happened between Cathryn and I, but had I happened to get a hold of that much bacon, I’m sure it would have.}
Moi: “So, I finally figured out how to overcome this depression thing.”
Cathryn: *sipping water* “Did you?”
Moi: “Yep. See, you said the root of most of my problems and any lingering self-esteem issues are directly related to the fact that I’m too nice to people, right?”
Cathryn: “In paraphrase, yes.”
Moi: *finger wag of logic* “So, by reversal logic here, a really great pick-me-up would be to stomp all over people to build a weak façade of self-esteem, right?”
Cathryn: {o_o} “…Uhhh, I don’t so much know about –”
Moi: “And what’s the safest way to stomp all over people? A means that’s been used for centuries by people with more bloody good intentions than I will EVER have?”
*poignant pause*
Cathryn: “…Customer service?”
Moi: *leans forward* “Organized religion!”
Cathryn: “…You’re playing the bitter atheist card?”
Moi: “No, no, you misunderstand! I have no problem with religion itself, I think it’s great, the whole God person thing, fantastic! But think about it! People have been trounced by various corrupt religious foundations metaphorically… AND figuratively…. AND literally, since the beginning of recorded time and no one ever complains! Well, except liberals, but occurring to Ann Coulter no one listens to them anyway.”
Cathryn: {>_<} “Don’t tell me you’re using Ann Coulter as a reliab–”
Moi: *claps hands ecstatically* “So, how to begin this? Well, after watching this really great clip from The Daily Show, I decided to start my OWN religion. That way, I could not only whale inanely on people and call it charity, but I could also leech government funds to do it! Talk about a sweet deal.”
*Flashback to the Church of St. Rita’s*
Nun: “Thank you for agreeing to meet me so late in the day, Ms. Hammond. I hope it did not inconvenience you.”
Moi: “No, thank YOU, Sister. I must say that it is a pleasure. Although the Pastor himself was a bit… reluctant to let me speak with you, some smooth negotiations quickly turned the tides. I’m glad everything worked out.”
Nun: {o_o} “Wait…are those pieces of the ROSARY in your hair?”
Moi: “No. Maybe. It doesn’t matter. Look, what I came to discuss with you is the fact that I’m breaking away from this mainstream Catholicism business and starting my own thing. Something a little more hip, New Age, you follow me?”
Nun: {O_O} “What?!–”
Moi: “Yeah, the only thing is that in order to qualify for government faith based incentives, I need some followers. So, in order to meet that sticky little requirement, I figured I’d just borrow some of yours – no need to pack them for me, I’ve already got my half hog-tied outside – and in exchange, I’ll be sure to mention this Jesus fellow in my Holy Book a few times. Sound good?”
Nun: {>_O}
Moi: “…Your expression seems hesitant. That’s okay, I can also give you – whaddya want, let’s see…” *reaches into pockets* “Here we go, I’ve got some gum! Nuns like gum, right? Winterfresh! And here’s… yeah, hey, a Starbucks gift card! Get yourself a free mocha latte, eh, Sister? So whaddya say, we got a deal?”
Nun: {>_<} “Get out.”
Moi: “Yooouuu… need a few days to think about it?”
*End Flashback*
Moi: *massaging leg bruise* “Unfortunately, I underestimated the power of the sister’s spinning drop kick…”
Cathryn: {o_o} “Wait a second, is that stained glass in your hair?”
Moi: *far away gaze* “…But to no matter! Her wise, if really painful, methods opened my eyes to something; I don’t need to found a new religion, I have a kick-ass one right in front of me! Catholicism!”
Cathryn: “That’s… one way to describe it, I suppose.”
Moi: “Now that I found my religious identity, the only thing left was to find someone of a different religion to act haughty and superior over.”
Cathryn: “And how’s that working out for you?”
*awkward pause*
Moi: “…You’re still Jewish, right?”
Cathryn: {O_o} “You’re joking.”
Moi: {^_^} “Do I ever joke?”
Cathryn: “Wait, so you’re telling me that the entire reason you called me here wasn’t so that we could eat burritos and share friendly conversation, but so you could bash my religion in some sick twisted plot you have to make yourself feel better?”
Moi: “I’d appreciate it.”
Cathryn: “No! Hell no!! I can’t believe what I’m hearing!”
Moi: “B-but, but, I already came prepared!” *pulls slice of bacon out of bag*
Cathryn: “…You’re going to unearth my religious inferiority with a piece of bacon?”
Moi: {^_^} “Even better! It’s a Porkapalooza!” *opens bag to dump BULGING PILE of bacon, ham, pork sausage, and other pig bits on the table* “Totally NOT kosher friendly! Let the ethnic tormenting begin!” *shoves a large amount of pork into mouth*
Cathryn: {O_O} “Keeley, you hate pork! You said it tastes like Satan’s asshole!”
Moi: *eyes watering* “Yeah, you’re really missing out!”
Cathryn: “Okay, you lost me before, but this is just insane! How is this helping your self esteem at ALL? Why bother eating pork if you don’t even like it?”
Moi: “Cathryn, Cathryn, can we please focus here? What matters isn’t what I *finger quotes* like or dislike. That’s irrelevant. What matters is that I lord the fact that “I CAN Eat It And You Can’t” over you as much as possible. Seeing as my nose is just as large as yours and we both share a strange love for Barbra Streisand, this was the only way. And I have to say, I’m kind of put out that you’re not meeting me halfway here.”
Cathryn: {O_o} “Meeting you halfway?!”
Moi: “I’d do the same for you, if our positions were reversed.”
Cathryn: “I’d never ASK you to!”
Moi: “Don’t make me resort to extreme measures.” *reaches into bag*
Cathryn: “YOU”RE BASHING MY RELIGION, FOR GOD’S SAKE! WHAT THE HELL –”
Moi: *puts on greasy Santa hat*
Cathryn: {O_O}
Moi: {^_^}
Cathryn: {>_<} “Don’t. You. Dare.”
Moi: *waving hands around* “Oooooo, look it me! I’m Cathryn, and I don’t get no Chreeeeestmas!”
Cathryn: {>___<}
[Shot, later that day, to the inside of a bar…]
Moi: *rubbing black eye* “…And that was when I learned that, despite what many atheists and talk show hosts are saying, we should respect people with different beliefs than us. Because while Jewish women may not be able to eat pork, or celebrate Christmas, they’re Rambo with a Prada bag. And they WILL beat the shit out of you.”
Bartender: “…Is that Chipotle mustard in your hair?”
*There’salwaystheBuddhists…!* | 
"WHEEEE!!!" *stuff stocking*
"I'm so fucking cool."
